jurys_out

 I have energy this morning. Thank god.

I find myself drifting nearer and nearer to devoting most of my care to politics. There aren't many people in my life, and I don't do important work. I have strong morals and strong beliefs; they could get stronger. It's something to care about, something worth it to devote my life to, to equality and justice and revolution. Maybe that's something I'll explore more as time goes on.

I'm getting tired of the dance I live in. Therapy and therapy and doctors. Avoiding questions from my family. Avoiding questions from everyone. Disinterest in my entire life. I don't just want to break the cycle; I want to kill it with my own two hands. I'll work on it. I guess.

In the meantime, here's a poem I wrote about my brother.

The most important person in history
is my Brother.
Not Shakespeare or Stanislav
Petrov or George Washington.
It's my Brother
and I think if you knew him
you would say the same thing.

When he cries I
cry
When he's angry I'm
angry
When he's happy I'm
happy.
My father, my
brother, my best friend.

My brother is the most important
person in the world,
in history.

Good things don't learn from themselves; each day we crawl out of Hell! (੭ ˊ^ˋ)੭ ♡ Much love!

 A painful sense of being lost struck me today. I suppose I'm in yet another transitory period in my life. Though, I've heard that's all teenage years. Maybe I'll break out of the cycle and gain a sense of stability, but it just seems bleak. Stability in the environment I'm currently living in isn't my dream, not that I have any to begin with.

I think it's important to differentiate goals from wants. Goals for me are things like getting my driver's license, writing more, reading more, being happy. A want would be finishing high school earlier, stability, community. Wants are guaranteed, and of course, goals aren't either, but they're things I'm going to work towards. I'm doing fuck all for my wants. 

It's hard for me to find comfort or distraction these days. I find myself placidly disinterested in most of the things I supposedly love. I'm under the impression it's more seasonal chronic illness flare ups than seasonal depression but the latter tends to be a product of the former anyway. All that being said, I do actually love winter. There's something about the blandness everywhere. The sky isn't blue, there aren't any clouds, the trees are bare. It's pretty. It feels a bit like me. 

God, what I am even doing these days? I don't even know. I'm meeting with my PDA (pathological demand avoidance---not public displays of affection XD) counselor today to work out some plans for my homeschooling. My parents are going to hate it. It's going to work out better for me than my current school situation, and I will actually be learning, but I'll still feel the same way I do, I presume. It's hard to imagine that any change in my routine would make me feel less apathetic and exhausted all the time.

In the meantime, I plan to keep girlqueening on, I guess. I have season one through six of Supernatural on DVD, and I've been going through that. It's a lot of fun, especially considering that this is my first SPN rewatch (woohoo!). I really want to spend a whole day binge-watching Marble Hornets. I was really into Marble Hornets a year and half ago, and I've already seen it two times. If I'm being completely honest, I barely remember the plot or anything, but I've been beta-reading a piece of fanfiction relating to it and it's bringing back a lot of those memories. I'm also (attempting) to watch the Teen Wolf TV show. I put it as one of my interests even though I'm barely done with season one. Unfortunately, it's not very good and it's boring as all let out. I'm going to try to finish it anyway. I'm also interested in rewatching NBC Hannibal, even though I've only recently finished it. What can I say, it's some good TV.

Bit disconcerting that my entire life is essentially revolving around television right now, so I guess I'll talk about some reading goals briefly? I'd really like to do my annual reread of The Raven Cycle, and maybe even start in on The Dreamer Trilogy as well. Watching Hannibal has shifted my interest towards reading those books, too, something I tried doing a few years back but stopped in a fit of boredom. Who knows, maybe second time's the charm? I should really get back into reading because as I'm getting into all this more and more books just keep flying to mind. Sigh.

Hopefully it'll be easier to get things done now that I've taken the first step towards getting rid of my smartphone. I got a Nokia flip phone and I like it! I'm experiencing some mild technical difficulties, but besides all that it's going great. Unfortunately, I do still need my smartphone to do some basic stuff before I can a) switch it all over to my computer or b) get it working on my flip. I'll keep some updates in here.

I've been thinking more about getting back into writing poetry and linguistics. I'm not sure though. In the past few months, every tiny thing has just been so much, and I don't think that with all I have going on right now, I would be able to actually enjoy anything. Whatever.

Still figuring out the ropes of Dream Width! I'm really enjoying being on the platform so far though! (..◜ᴗ◝..)

Much love! (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶) ‹𝟹